And The Winner….Hamtaro the Antichrist Hamster From New Jersey

Yes friends and neighbors, you heard me. The Hyper-Evil Cuteness of Hamtaro has propelled him to victory in the author smackdown.

Here is a picture of your victor, chomping on a pencil in between re-writing The Death of Ivan Ilyich to star a family of hamsters.


 This may be the turning point for Western civilization…and I don’t mean that in a good way.

Keith Melton Vs Moira Rogers ROUND ONE!

In all honesty, this is really just about me and the Bree half of Moira Rogers going toe to toe. The Donna half of Moira Rogers is really very nice except for that time she told me to die in a fire. She fights battles against evil corporate ISPs and feeds orphans. Bree, on the other hand…well, I’ll get to that.

If you’ve never read Moira Rogers, what’s wrong with you? Honestly. Her werewolves scorch the pages. Very cool stuff, both the Red Rock Pass series and her Southern Arcana series. I have a soft spot for her character Mackenzie. She also has about a billion other books out that I haven’t read, but if I list them all we’ll be here all night.

Anyway, if you haven’t figured it out yet, Moira Rogers consists of the incredible super dynamic writing duo of Bree and Donna. One of them hacks databases. The other launches wild pigs through the air with trebuchets. Or so I heard on the internet, I swear.

Regardless of their personal hobbies indulged while not writing, I’m here to detail a bit of the vaguely infamous throwdown that happened the other day on the magical social networking paradise of Twitter. For those of you who are dead, Twitter is a place known for brevity, wit, and a huge whale lifted by ropes by a bunch of annoying birds. But I digress, as usual.

The altercation started when I realized, much to my shock and awe, that Hamtaro might just be one of the most frighteningly disturbing things I’d ever seen. Watch this clip, but be warned. You cannot UNSEE it once you’ve subjected your eyes to its Hyper Evil Cuteness.

Alas, after suffering yet another unprovoked @moirarogersbree insult (this one about how my face would look better hidden by a mullet and then backed over by a tractor — I’d link to it directly but there are small children on the internet, God help them all) I felt it incumbent upon me to fire back with both metaphorical barrels. Thus, I drew the comparison (admittedly shaky) between Moira Roger’s shapeshifters and the fell creatures of Hamtaro the hamster anime.

I’m happy to say nine out of ten of my fellow internet monkeys agreed with me.

Not content to turn the other cheek, Bree of the Awesome Infamousity and Ryan Reynolds Propaganda countered by suggesting my vampire hit man, Karl Vance, would find employment in the following capacity after the completion of my urban fantasy series:

Ah, Sesame Street. You bring back such joyous memories. Memories of obsessively counting vampires, trench coats, and…lightning in elevators. Now, notice how the Count actually bounces Kermit out of the elevator as if he were an obnoxious drunk slurring his profanity at some posh club. I find this line of work entirely plausible for my vampire.

Hey, times are tough all over.

Unfortunately, since I’m male and need to keep score, I’m going to have to arbitrarily award this round to me on points. So, Keith wins round one. You may proceed to launch fireworks and kiss babies in joyous celebration.

One can buy the Moira Rogers books I mentioned here:

You can also find them all over the place on Amazon and Fictionwise, but you’ll have to do the legwork.

Oh yeah, here’s a poll so we can make my victory all statistically valid.

Enough with the Cheap Scares Already

Last night I watched the director’s cut of the movie 1408


Now, I loved the Stephen King short story which I first heard read by the author on the Blood and Smoke audio cd. Creepy. I particularly enjoyed the tale’s almost self-aware quality, the nod to haunted stories and a shift into another realm with a very different kind of haunted room. The unease compounds as the character becomes gradually disconnected from reality when strange and disturbing things occur in the room–evidenced by his increasingly cryptic messages on his mini recorder. What can I say? It worked for me, and worked well.

Now the movie is blood of a different color. Don’t get me wrong. It had moments I admire. The whole radio playing the song “We’ve Only Just Begun” was an exceedingly nice touch. The rest…didn’t flip my switches. Too much stuff I’d seen before, and it felt largely uninspired. Now the King story had an intense focus on the feverish quality of the light, a theme carried on throughout, but this element was largely missing from the movie. Also, the movie didn’t seem to handle the cryptic/creepy nature of the mini recorder anywhere near as effectively…or the build up about the history of the room. C’mon, half the fun of haunted stories is the history.

But let me (finally) get to the main thing that irked me about the movie: those cheap-ass, ham-fisted,   over-used slam cuts aka fast cuts to something “unexpected.” In 1408 it’s, shockingly, some slash-hacker wanna-be killer with a knife who never manages to kill anything and doesn’t really play a role in the plot. You know the routine. Movie gets very quiet. Tight focus on the character on-screen. CUT TO CLOSE UP OF KILLER AND/OR CAT AND/OR DEAD BODY AND BLAST SOUND TO STARTLE AUDIENCE!!!

And yes, that last sentence had to be written in all caps because it is JUST THAT SHOCKING! I won’t even go into the raw power three exclamation marks bring to the table.

Enough with those cheap startle scares. They make me flinch sometimes, yeah, but that’s usually because the sound is so damn loud. I flinch when grenades go off, too. That doesn’t make grenades scary–well, actually, it does. But I’m wandering off topic…

 I want more intelligent horror–something that scares me. Or perhaps I just crave more effective horror.

Next up in the Netflix queue are Diary of the Dead and Quarantine. Because, to be honest, all zombies must die.

Interview at BookWenches

So Teagan at the BookWenches review site was kind enough to give me an interview. Only later did she realize how much she’d come to regret allowing my answers to her questions into a public forum.

The interview can be found here:

The contest is over, though, so you missed out on the cake. Don’t worry. There will be more contests because who doesn’t like free swag? (I’m not talking to that dirty bastard in Boise who actually doesn’t like free swag. Me and him, we got bad blood between us. That’s another story though.)

Blood Vice Released in Print

My first book has just released in print. It goes without saying I’m extremely excited. But I’ll say it anyway. I’m extremely excited…and today it’s not just those three cups of coffee I had.  The book is beautiful. I’m biased, of course, but I really love everything about it. Front cover. Back cover. Color scheme.

Good stuff.

Here’s a link to the Samhain site:

I really loved working with Samhain. Good people.

Anyway, back to the point. Blood Vice in print for everyone who prefers print books.