…where I sacrifice the grim dignity of an author in favor of drawing bad cartoons on the Internet

I’m sure someday these diversions will come back to bite me in the ass. I’ll be applying for a job (in this economy, I’ll likely be applying at the local convenience store to boldly embark on a career of overcharging for burned coffee and cheese puffs, while wondering when I’ll be robbed), or perhaps an editor will be looking for new writers to include in an anthology and someone will stumble upon these silly drawings and quietly add me to the Completely Unprofessional Blacklist no one ever talks about (because to mention the list would be unprofessional…).

However, since no one is looking and I’m screwing around instead of writing, I thought I’d post a few of the silliest and/or most absurd and/or stupidest drawings I’ve created using nothing more than MS Paint and my own personal delusions.

Samurai Spider

This spider was simply an excuse to draw a katana and a samurai helm. In real life, spiders are not samurai, but more like ninjas, creeping around, crawling on you in the dark. Moving on…

Giant Squid Rocking Out

This picture had nothing to do with my fear of giant squids and more to do with challenging myself to draw a violin in MS Paint using the touchpad on my laptop. True musicians will note that the squid is holding the violin incorrectly. Best not to mention it to a giant squid, however.

Flying Robot Monkey Shark

Yes. The world needed more flying robot monkey sharks. Interestingly enough, I used this for a Twitter avatar and it was universally reviled. I immediately lost 15% of my followers. Which proves my hypothesis: people on Twitter don’t like monkeys.

 

Dual Peg Leg Pirate Action

This image was done for a guest post. I wasn’t invited back. Perhaps they just don’t enjoy pirates. I’m rather proud of that flintlock pistol though…

Flesh-eating Gnome Under an Unforgiving Sun

The gnomes were part of a Scribbling Ninjas interview with writer Jody Wallace. Jody’s very funny and she knows all about the terror and threat posed by common gnomes. She also owns a cat with an attitude (or is that simply redundant?).

Chainsaw Unicorn Hates You Because You’re Beautiful

The classic chainsaw unicorn. I plan on putting a chainsaw unicorn in one of my Zero Dog books. I think it would be perfect. But then again I like shows about giant robots fighting one another. Also, Godzilla and the Three Stooges. (If someone could combine all three of those into one movie, I’d be in heaven.)

Oh and one more:

Chainsaw Unicorn Pwned Your Little Pony

…and he *laughed* about it. See that look on his face? What a smug bastard.

Alien Cattle Rustlers Strike In Iowa

This picture was part of a larger post done to support my tentative hypothesis linking UFOs to writer Ann Aguirre’s sudden disappearance from Twitter a while back. This was a background scene. It turns out I was wrong about the whole Close Encounters of the Third Kind/alien abduction thing, and Ann Aguirre was a good sport about my mistake. The restraining order was just her way of showing it.

Mixed Martial Arts Throwdown: Steampunk Octopus Versus Angry Bears

Part of a Scribbling Ninjas interview with writer Mari Fee.  I can’t decide which is more disturbing. A bear in a Karate Gi or that demented looking purple octopus.

Evil Robot Clown Macks on a Robot Showgirl

Robots. Enough said.

It’s a zombie…and a mime!

Another Zero Dog War thing. Zombie mimes. Zombie mimes are the less prestigious cousins of zombie clowns. And you never hear them creeping up on you either because THEY NEVER MAKE A SOUND!

Steampunk Airship + Bears and Octopus. Somebody should walk the plank for this…

Another picture done for the Mari Fee interview, proving beyond  a shadow of doubt that I cannot draw good steampunk airships. Oh well. I just like that pissed off raincloud.

The Zero Dog War Collector’s Edition Illustrated Version

Another drawing done for a guest post. Now you understand why publishers don’t like authors to draw their own promotional artwork… Sadly, sales decreased 223% after this picture hit the Internet.

An aside:

Fair warning. Someday when I have more time I’m going to start making moving .gifs of these things, just to annoy people on message boards. Why? Because Evil runs in my veins… right next to the coffee.

There are more drawings, but this post is long enough already and I’ve already managed to lose the respect of 82.4% of my readers. We’ll save the last 17.6% for next week when I start posting vlogs to Youtube…

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